A Light in the Darkness

"There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstance in your life can change." --Rhonda Bryne

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here now with the power to shape your day and your future.” –Steve Maraboli

The past four weeks have been some of the most difficult weeks of my life. I am not one to say that lightly, but truly they have been extremely challenging. I started a new job with a six-month learning curve, I got Covid-19, my wife also got Covid-19 during her college finals exam week, my co-worker committed suicide and my wife and I have been arguing and agitating each other so much due to the additional stress. After being quarantined for 14 days I went running (which was very liberating from the “trapped” feelings of being quarantined) for the first time in weeks and I developed bad blisters on my feet which ripped off the next time I went running. As a result, not only could I not run, I could not walk either, so going outside was very limited as it was very painful to walk!

I have felt more “trapped” in the past six weeks than almost ever before. So much so that the incredible feelings of being “trapped” have resurrected the intense feelings of being “trapped” that I felt previously as a child growing up in my parent’s home. Growing up in a verbally, psychologically and physically abusive home I used to look through the window of my room and long to be an adult and escape their madness. I counted down the years I had remaining until I had the power to truly be independent and take control of my life. I viewed my room as prison cell and my window as the bars. It was an old cheap window from the 1980’s that barely could be opened because it was so rusty. And when I did open that window, I was told by my mom “do not open the window, you might break it”, because it was so old she was afraid I would break it and she would have to pay for a new one. This only intensified my “trapped” feelings as a kid of being over-protected and over-controlled. It was not fun, and I wondered to God why he had me born into this family with such weak parents filled with seemly endless amounts of fear and anger. It sucked. God, why was I dealt this hand? Why God? Why? Eventually, I stopped asking that question, because it just made me angrier. Pushing down and suppressing my emotions seemed to be the best and only strategy for dealing with my feelings at the time.

Flash forward to present day, now I feel extremely “trapped” in my present circumstances and I’m brought back to all that madness I went through as a kid. Now, however, I’m an adult with the power to choose and make powerful choices to surrender my negative “trapped” feelings to God. Surrendering is not easy, and I wish to God I didn’t have to go through all I did as a kid. My heart (as a 37-year-old man) is still bleeding, lamenting, hurting and grieving what I went through. I wish my story was different, but as they say, “you cannot change your past, only the future”, but is it possible to re-write your past? I am just beginning to learn that it is possible to change the narrative of your past by changing your perspective on it! Seeing the flicker of light in the darkness, instead of just all the overwhelming darkness. Seeing that life is happening for you, not to you. Seeing that there really is hope, I am not doomed to the destiny of my parents, I have power and I can let go of my past trauma. I love this quote by Steve Goodier that says: “Those who overcome great challenges will be changed, and often in unexpected ways. For our struggles enter our lives as unwelcome guests, but they bring valuable gifts. And once the pain subsides, the gifts remain. These gifts are life's true treasures, bought at great price, but cannot be acquired in any other way.” I don’t know about you, but I can really relate with that! Those annoying struggles we face are unwelcome guests for sure, but could it be possible they bring valuable gifts? Or is that just a nice quote to make us feel better about all our sufferings. Honestly, I could careless about sugar-coated feel good quotes to make any sense of life! I care about the truth and what truly works!

I was just talking to my wife today about marriage and how when I was single before I got married, I believed that if I prepared for marriage in every way, I’d have a better marriage. Now that I’ve been married for almost seven years, I see that preparing for marriage was a good thing, but regardless of how much I prepared there were struggles / experiences within marriage that no amount of preparation could prepare me for. Mike Tyson has a famous quote that I believe rings true of every struggle in life: “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” How are you going to respond when life punches you in the mouth? Because get ready, that punch is coming and then the real you will come out. The you who has dealt with your past and is at peace. Or the you who is a part of the “walking-wounded” and deeply hurting. Your greater self will come out or your smaller self will come out. No one is perfect, I surely could have responded better these past four weeks, but I want my greatest self to come out during challenging times, not my smaller weaker self. I recognize now even more that I must continue to surrender my past so I can be free in the present and thrive in my future.

Through all the madness in my life and in our world today both past and present I’ve been reminded of 1) I need God way more than I realize and 2) Ephesians 6:12, which says: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” The battle in our world is beyond Covid-19, beyond skin color, beyond gender, beyond marital strife, beyond anything our physical eyes can see. The battle is not with anyone we can physically see, but it’s really against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil. Draw close to God and he will draw close to you. This is the only way to lasting victory and peace in our lives. Surrender to God, surrender to Him in every way, surrender your baggage to him constantly over and over give it over until it’s over! If you’ve found salvation in Jesus Christ already, then in my opinion you need to surrender even more! The time has come, continue to surrender and become the person you were born to be! Isaiah 60:1-2 says it best: “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you.” Allow God’s love to shine into your darkness and bring you healing, freedom and peace!

If you have felt like I have recently as if you were "trapped" and "crawling in the dark" and you know you are suffering. Watch or listen to this awesome insight when you have a few free moments by a famous clinical psychologist named Jordan Peterson. I pray it blesses you as it did me: