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“Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I’ll ever know.
Live and die on this day, live and die on this day.”
–The Grey, (Movie)
How do you press on into the fray? The fray of madness of your own childhood story of trauma and peril? How do you even address such lost innocence that you may have experienced? The amount of resistance and burning I feel welling up in the depths of my soul can bury me in an ocean of extreme pain, hatred, anger, resentment and suicidal thoughts that ultimately manifest into pure rage! Rage that is so intense it scares me to death! Rage that has become in me a reckoning! Rage can seek revenge, but the horror I experienced as a child no revenge would satisfy my soul. Only a lifetime of war against such injustice will do, a holy rage, a complete cleansing of the madness within my soul, a righteous reckoning!
This is the story of the internal war I have faced all my life and my righteous reckoning healing deep in the dark cave of my brokenness. I am finally unleashing all my war within. The time has come, I am fighting for my freedom and all that God has for me. Are you really fighting for yourself? Or are you fighting against yourself?
I was physically and psychologically abused as a child by my father from the time I can remember until I was 14 years old. My protector did not protect me, instead he took advantage of his authority and used his power against me with little forethought regarding the impact of his actions. The unfortunate reality is he did little work upon his soul to face his demons and deal with his wounds to be completely free. His father (my grandfather) physically abused him and on and on we go where it stops who really knows? One generation after another! Until a certain generation, a certain person wakes up and says “ENOUGH!” That person is me and my generation. As a result of my abuse I believed many lies that: I was unworthy of love, I was damaged goods, I was a loser and I was not capable of greatness because of my deep pain. These all, of course, are untrue and lies from the pit of hell. Yet, when you've been told something physically or verbally thousands of times you tend to believe the loudest most consistent message regardless of what it actually is or whether it's true or false. What is most consistent and loudest in your life will win ever time.
The way to end the generational sin and perpetual extreme negative emotions accompanied by such painful wounds is not through revenge, unhealthy endless vows or force, but the way out is to look in the mirror. The way out is to look within. This seemed so counter-intuitive for so many years to me as I vowed to “never surrender my rage and to never forgive my father”. I thought that if I did "surrender" my rage I was allowing my earthly father to "win" and get away with his injustice. Yet, I have found and am learning that the key to being set free from my pain, wounds and every negative overwhelming emotion is to stop resisting them from welling up within me via suppression or escaping my feelings entirely. Releasing, letting go and surrendering my pain to God constantly has been so much more liberating. I challenge you to do the hardest thing you'll ever do: do not hide from God or hide behind religion, instead invite God into your madness. Do not judge any emotion that will well up in you, just let it happen in a safe way and in safe place. Easier said then done sometimes depending on how deep you may have buried your pain, but I recently learned that there are four ways we can handle our emotions:
Suppression: Consciously burying and stuffing down your feelings. You are aware of your feelings, but you choose not to acknowledge them or deal with them.
Repression: Unconsciously burying and stuffing down your feelings. You are unaware of your feelings and for one reason or another they pass through your awareness and thus are not acknowledged or dealt with.
Escapism: You may or may not be aware of your feelings. Regardless, you choose to medicate your pain through any conduit of behaviors that will numb your mind and heart to your deep emotional pain. This is how addictions of all kinds can arise.
Expression: Intentionally or unintentionally surrendering your emotions through different activities (talking, sports, music, writing etc). Being intentional and consciously aware of what you're surrendering can impact the how much you actually release from within yourself.
Only in the avenue of “Expression” are we empowered to release steam from our personal pressure cooker in a healthy way through surrendering our wounds and tied negative emotions. Gosh I had such extreme resistance to embracing my story of pain! The pain was so overwhelming for me that to even think about it pierced my heart deeply with a flood of extreme negative emotions each attached with there lies that I believed about myself.
I invited Jesus into my life as a young seven-year-old boy. I rededicated my life to God as a 15-year-old teenager. I worked in ministry within the church for over 10 years, yet my story of abuse and trauma stayed hidden. I felt such extreme shame and unworthiness! Two years ago, I decided to face my demons and my dark cave of madness. This was the scariest thing I did in my life! I traveled 1,000 miles away where no one knew me so I could feel completely safe to reckon with it all! And for the past two years I have truly felt liberated from my dark cave, but I’ve been so scared to turn around and look back into the cave!
I had so much trauma, pain and mountains of negative emotions that now the true hard work begins because I realize I have so much more to release and surrender! Two years ago, I took the first step by forgiving, facing it all and surrendering it all, but now I must stop resisting the resistance all the more to my past abuse, trauma, hatred, rage, grief, betrayal and beyond that I still feel deep inside me. True forgiveness is a “process” and usually it's not over immediately, but must be surrendered over and over again. It’s time to face it! It's time to allow myself to feel those negative feelings above, to cry, to surrender, to unleash them on a boxing bag, to speak to a safe person about them, to physically run them out of my soul all with the intent of surrendering them at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ. I no longer need to carry, nor hold onto them any longer. He is stronger and is willing to carry my baggage. And the beautiful thing about it all? As I surrender, continually forgive and let them go I can have full assurance that if I ever feel any of those feelings again in the future, it’s okay, that just means I have more negative emotions that need to unearth and surrender. It’s okay, because I am now capable to identify my emotions and reckon with them in a healthy way by letting them go over and over again until I am completely empty and free. As it says in Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” God will never ever stop pursuing you, loving you and chasing you down until you are completely found!
This song rocked my world two years ago when I had my healing breakthrough, the song is called “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury. I pray it will minister to you and you will hear the Holy Spirit whispering to you as you listen:
Reckless Love, by Cory Asbury
Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me
And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
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