Victory, Defeat & Surrender

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat."

--F. Scott Fitzgerald (Author best known for writing The Great Gatsby, 1924)

"Life is always happening for us, not to us." –Tony Robbins (Author, Coach and Motivational Speaker)

I am not sure what to write. Life keeps going no matter what happens to you. Life just keeps going. Ready or not, it just keeps going. I want life to be perfect. I want my life to go smoothly, freely and calmly. Yet life doesn't move the way I want it to. Some things happen too soon, some things happen too late, some things happen that should not happen, and some things do not happen at all. Sometimes there is victory, sometimes there is defeat and sometimes there is surrender. There is a time for everything under sun. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8: “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”

My wife and I had found out we were pregnant a few weeks ago for the third time in our seven-year marriage. And for the third time in our marriage we had a miscarriage. My wife and I are now both 37 years old with no children, this is not where we envisioned ourselves being at, at this age. We thought we’d have children by now and life would be a little easier. Marriage is the most challenging endeavor I’ve ever embarked upon. Then, you add this unexpected event and it’s easy to see why marriage is the most challenging thing I've ever faced. I naively thought before I got married that if I did “xyz” things, read the Bible more, prayed more, did marriage prep courses, read books on marriage I’d prevent suffering within my marriage and thus have a better marriage. While I do believe many of those things have helped, I see now that there are some things that happen to you both in life and in marriage that no amount of preparation can fully prepare you for. Some things you just don’t see coming your way, it’s like I just got punched in the face and never saw it coming. Now what? What am I going to do now?

Tony Robbins has this quote that I’ve really wrestled with lately saying: “Life is always happening for us, not to us.” This is kind of crazy right? I mean is it possible to really believe this? To live this way as if this is really true? Interestingly enough, Tony Robbins was abused as a child and so was I. The extent and damage of that abuse can be argued, but regardless he was abused, and I definitely know that I was. Yet how is it possible (despite his past hurt, pain and abuse) that he has this “perspective”? To see that life is actually happening for him and not to him?! Because the reality is that when he was a child “life” was happening to him! Maybe though, just maybe, there was a greater purpose for him being abused as a child and now he sees it clearly with a different perspective. He sees that because of his abuse he has an insatiable hunger to end human suffering and to bring freedom and healing to people who are hurting. Maybe he realizes that without that abuse that was committed against him he wouldn’t have the passion, zeal and desire to help people be set free from the suffering that binds them. This is the change in perspective that I believe can only be illuminated with God’s help and the perseverance to hope beyond the hurt that was committed against you so that you can eventually see clearly that life is happening for you, not to you!

How do we arrive at such a perspective though? Why do some people like Tony Robbins attain this perspective and see their past sufferings as a unique opportunity to bless others? Why do some people simply remain so broken, hurting and wounded from their sufferings? Why when some people get hurt, they run to God and others run away from God? I believe it comes down to simple choice, a choice deep in your soul of whether you will choose to harden or soften your heart in each situation. I wish I had a more meaningful answer, but I do believe that ultimately an answer of this gravity is beyond words as well. Romans 8:26 says: “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” What are your wordless groans?

I pray you have the courage to surrender your wordless groans to God. That may mean simply kneeling in prayer to God without saying a single word. That may mean doing something completely different than you’ve ever done. If you have the Holy Spirit residing in you, ask him to move in you, minister to you in a way that only he can. This is what I am doing now and am praying for continual courage to do. If you do not have the Holy Spirit residing in you, invite him to come and He will come into your life! No matter what happens in life this verse of scripture in the Bible has always given me hope that anything I go through God is with me. It's found in Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”